My mind has been on an unpleasant topic this week: hate. Why people feel a need to enter a discussion between people of both genders, many religions, races and sexual orientations and spout hateful BS. (Then go back to their little religious group and brag about witnessing to the heathens or complain about being "persecuted.") I've been so angry that I haven't been able to formulate fun or interesting posts for this space. Things have died down and I feel like petting pretty yarn and going to parties (real or virtual) again. In the meantime, I got to meet some pretty fantastic people (this was all on Ravelry): for every hate-mongering jackass dragging my God's name through the mud, there were a couple dozen amazing people to chat with.

I learned something new (and feel kind of dumb for not knowing the source): "Love the sinner and hate the sin" is a quote from Ghandi. I knew it wasn't in the Bible, but love that it came from the same man that said: "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are not like your Christ." (Not holding up Ghandi as an example of a perfect man, just find it ironic that the quote that lots of people that call themselves Christians use came from someone who was not remotely interested in being a Christian.) For the record, I'm a Christian, and have a small number of Christian friends, but do not identify with any denomination or belong to any church. (It's complicated.)

I want to go shopping! I need summer tops and probably shoes, and definitely socks, but I'm not in the mood to shop for those things; however, I will buckle down and get some of that shopping done this weekend, because there is nothing worse than having to wear a long-sleeved, black acrylic sweater to work on a 90-degree day because I fell asleep before the few shirts that were appropriate (weather-wise) into the dryer. Shopping for clothes is not my ideal activity, but I like sweating in black acrylic less.

Craft show update: matchboxes are done (8 sets). I'm about half finished with felt bowl #10. I've been working on signage and bag toppers. I'm obviously putting off the sewing, hoping to be more in the mood. Still really looking forward to the show!

Coming up:
Saturday, June 14: Worldwide Knit in Public Day. I still haven't decided where I'm going.

Thursday, June 26: Saucy's Wedding Party. My post is ready. The problem when you write something in advance: the longer you have to edit it, the more times you read it and the more times you tweak it. My entry has been tweaked a lot, but it's a picture-filled start-to-finish recap, with virtually no drama: just the good stuff.

Saturday, Jun 28: A Fanciful Twist's Mad Tea Party (of the costume variety)

Friday, July 11: Hellboy II comes out. My love for Hellboy cannot be explained. I now have all the animated DVDs and at least the first five volumes of the collected comics (some of which were Valentine's Day presents). Four more weeks to go!

Friday, August 8: IH Contest ends (start date not yet announced -- probably July 1). Oh, it's also my birthday.

Saturday, August 23: Craft Show @ Holly Library 9:30 - ?

I forgot how much I like Hallmark. When I was in college, they started the Shoebox line, and my dorm room door was covered in cards. At one point, I had a "Gold Crown Card" (frequent shopper card) and spent lots of money in various Hallmark stores. I like the ones where the buyers branch out and carry non-Hallmark products as well. But mostly, I like the cards. Having said that, I don't buy that many. People that get gifts from me are lucky if there's a tag of some kind; usually, I wait until they reach for it and say "that's from us." Yesterday, I felt the need to stop and look for a couple of cards, and had to resurrect my old rule of "if it makes me laugh out loud, I have to buy it." Their Fresh Ink line has some pretty hysterical cards.

Just for fun
Top 11 Signs You're on a Summer Vacation with a Geek. As a geek, I take no offense, and thought #8 & 9 were hysterical, and #10 could hit a little close for comfort if I traveled with the laptop.

This might sound weird
I love coincidences and friends that think like me. Last week, my boss told me that we'd be moving (again (this will be my 4th desk here after a little more than a year. 5+ years at GM and I never moved)). He acted like he was afraid (a little) to tell me, but I was elated. Someone that sits near me has a really annoying voice and I'm dying to escape it, plus we're on the main aisle. I asked if I could have a cone of silence (except that mine would work as intended). I don't think he got it, but he said no. Later that day I was chatting with jennifred  , and she mentioned a cone of silence. I almost fell over.

The voice thing? I was telling Jennifer about it, and I hate what she calls "mouth noises." I hate listening to people eat. If I'm eating, too, then it's no big deal, but if I'm sitting near someone eating and they're making any kind of sound, it makes me a little crazy. Gum chewing? Just shoot me.

The poor lady that sits near me at work doesn't know it, but had kind of a mini breakdown over her voice. I'm sure she's a very nice person, and I'm reasonably sure that her voice doesn't drive other people crazy (not like Urkel or anything), but it GRATES on me. I always have earphones on, and my boss is okay with it. Anyway, several months ago, I started hearing her voice in my head. Not like hearing voices, but when I spoke, in my head, it sounded like her. It still weirds me out a little, on occasion, but back then, I freaked. I wouldn't speak for the better part of a weekend. Nothing like that had ever happened before, and I hope to God it never happens again.

Media Recap
I've been a very busy media addict. I don't always share lists like this, but I'm in the mood today. I'm putting it under a cut for length.

I haven't done a meme/quiz thingy in ages. This one looks interesting, and took some thinking.


Although, after all the questions, the results seem to have been based on the first 2 colors I chose. However, it's pretty accurate.


I've always had a hard time deciding what I want to do on a vacation, and it was interesting how quickly I went for strolling through unique shops and antique stores. Hmmmm. Still getting to know myself, obviously. Listening to a light rain on a country cottage roof was a no-brainer for another question. My maternal grandmother was not necessarily kind to me, but her house had a tin roof. I loved listening to the rain. A country cottage would have a different kind of roof, but it would still be a pleasantly relaxing time.

Like I said, it took some thinking, and I was wondering how you'd answer this. These were my options for the last question, which was something like, "What words would your friends use to describe you?"

1. Trustworthy and calm, a good communicator
2. Peaceful, helpful and reassuring
3. Welcoming, optimistic and spontaneous
4. Communicative and creative, a connoisseur
5. Sensitive, thoughtful and compassionate
6. Cheerful, enthusiastic and full of energy
7. Intuitive, curious and passionate
8. Honest, sincere and supportive
9. Sophisticated and straightforward, a purist

I almost went for #3, until I saw the "optimistic" there in the middle. I ended up picking #8, but I'm curious to see what people really think. Notice that there aren't any that are really negative, so please be honest.

I have no good reason for not being around so much, except that I didn't want my posts to just be all whiney. Every time I think work might be getting better, another crisis comes along. When I get home, I'm just so tired... I surf a little, and have been chatting with one online buddy (more on that, later) but gah - there is just so little to tell!

Here's some whining:
I seem to be one of the lucky ones that gain weight when on insulin. I may be at my heaviest, like, ever. No offense meant to anyone that does this, but I can't stand blogs that only talk about weight or what someone ate. Gah. But I will say that my doc has arranged for John & I to see a nutritionist later this week.

I'm in a lot of pain from a leg/hip injury. It's a vicious cycle: my weight is aggravating it, but the pain is keeping me from exercising. Makes me want to cry. I'm actually a little afraid that it's arthritis, since it seems to be in virtually every joint in my right let, as well as my left hip. But it's probably just that I'm too fat.

I hope to have a little hat ready to go with these booties by the time I'm able to deliver them. About 2 weeks ago, I realized that I would be seeing the recipient the next week (last Thursday). I knit up the booties pretty quickly, and decided that they needed an accompanying hat. That hat did NOT want to get knit! I started it several times, then finally landed on the right pattern (there isn't a lot of yarn left, so the pattern was important): a simple top-down version. It shouldn't have been THAT complicated, but it turns out there was an error in the pattern. (Go me, I found an error! Which the designer has since corrected.) By the time I got everything working correctly, I had very little time left. It was Wednesday night, and the event was Thursday evening. I was in a lot of pain, and had taken something for it, but I knit like a fiend, until there was only an inch or two left -- I figured I could finish it at lunch. I had the packaging all ready to go, a care tag, etc. When I got to work Thursday morning, I realized that the event had been the night before. I totally lost it, mostly mad at myself, because I had it on my calendar correctly, and had even gotten a confirming email; but for at least two weeks, Thursday had been in my head. So I haven't touched the hat since. But I plan on finishing it today, in case my rep drops by.

I have more, but it's mostly one 1 topic, so I'll split this into 2 posts.

I mentioned earlier that I'd been knitting baby booties. Here are two teeny, tiny pairs of booties, which will soon - I hope - be winging their way to a pair of teeny tiny twin boys.

The pattern (link below) has directions for larger sizes, too. Difficulty: low. You need to know how to knit and purl on alternating rows (stockinette) and on the same row (1x1 rib). They're knit flat, then seamed (they are for babies, after all, so they won't be walking on the seam).

Specs
Pattern: (redacted)
Yarn: Madil Eden Print, 100% Bamboo. A gift/souvenir from fullfaun's trip to NYC.



In other news...

I have to give a great, big public thank you to J-dub and Anita, who gave up their Sunday (and skipped church!) to help me finish painting my Dad's kitchen. John had been working on it steadily for ages, but he's not been feeling well. Now, it's crunch time and it had to be done before the new flooring was laid (today). I worked all day Saturday, and John did what he could, but there was so much to do, and I was not 100% (I don't think I was 50%). I did something I don't do well: I asked for help. It turned out to be a very good thing, because John was very sick and wasn't able to do much of anything on Sunday. Not only did these lovely ladies help me get it all done, but they kept me GOING. I was in SO much pain (and still a little down), but having people there made it bearable. We talked, and laughed and ruined our clothes, but we got every cupboard door, drawer front and baseboard painted, plus finished the one section of wall John hadn't been able to do.

I can't begin to express how sore and tired I am. But I'm grateful, too.

I had to go to the grocery store to get food for the sick hubby at home, then the drugstore to get EVERYTHING for me. I don't usually buy all my hair & skin care products at once, but had to, because I ran out of EVERYTHING at once! Cleanser, moisturizer, shampoo & mousse, plus I'd lost my eye cream (so very desperately needed). Yikes. I had to buy some less expensive form of it all, because well, buying it all at once was still $50. But my usual moisturizer? $40 on it's own. I got either Oil of Olay or the CVS version for my skin and eye cream, the usual CVS version of Cetaphil for my cleanser (Why mess with a good thing? It works great and is darn cheap.) No more Philosophy or LUSH shampoo. I got Pantene (it was on sale, and they didn't have much in the way of Suave).

After crashing with John for a bit, and watching the DVD extras of 300, I took a long, hot bath in epsom salts and Melissa perfume oil (I have 2 drops left) to soak away the aches and the paint.

Speaking of movies, in addition to 300, in the last few days we also watched Hot Fuzz. That's it for the new movies. We watched Halloween H2O one evening, and part of Them! last night before we both passed out. Hot Fuzz is excellent, but not for everyone. If you liked Shaun of the Dead, then this will crack you up (no zombies, though). It is unexpectedly graphic, though. Gore is to be expected, it's just HOW it happens. The best example I could share would just give away the whole scene, so I can't use it.

My Moo Sticker Book arrived over the weekend. I'm sure it came on Saturday, but I didn't check the mail until last night. I'm really satisfied with the quality. At a little over a dime a piece, not counting shipping, it's not a terribly expensive way to get high-quality stickers of your own photos, in a little booklet that keeps them safe.

Along with the Moo envelope was a birthday card from my employer. I have never received anything from an employer for my birthday. Heck, it's been years since I've gotten anything for Christmas (in the last 6 years, I have received one candy cane). I work AT a large, global company, but I work FOR a small, fairly* excellent consulting placement firm. There are less than 100 employees, and they have 2 people whose full-time job is making sure we're all okay. I've been with them for 4 months, and have already been taken out to lunch 3 times, had someone stop in just to check in, and gotten a couple of cool gifts** (along with everyone else). Still, I did NOT expect a birthday card, signed by everyone at the office, or a $25 gift card.

*Seriously, it's great. Because only 1 of my meds has been around long enough to have generics available, the difference between generic ($10) and non ($40) is painful. If it were written as $40 for non-generic when generic is available. I'd be okay with that. Still, it could be worse.

**First week, a big jar of Jelly Bellies, then at the biannual employee dinner, a really nice long sleeved windbreaker/shell thing (that actually fit). In a couple of weeks, they're having Family Day at the Detroit Zoo (it's not in Detroit, it's in Royal Oak).

This is in no way a call for help or any extra attention. I have something that I want to share with you. The subject matter is kind of heavy, but I won't go into too many personal details. The reason I want to write about it is because it's nothing to be ashamed of, and I suspect that several of my friends and/or regular readers might just be in the same or similar situation.

So, my birthday is next week. I'll be 42 (the answer!), but am not in any mood to celebrate. Not because of my age; that's something that happens every year whether you like it or not. The truth is, I'm depressed. Not in a casual, situational way, but in a clinical, brain chemistry way. Situations definitely play their part, but clinical depression means that sometimes the simplest things knock you on your butt and you can't get back up again. It's a little like having PMS all the time, but a little more severe. It's been coming on for some time, but the last week has been very bad. Yesterday, I didn't really get out of bed. I did not put on clothes or brush my teeth. Since I'd discussed this possibility with my nurse practitioner, I was able to call her and have her phone a prescription into the drug store for me. So I'm on an anti-depressant* again. The lowest dose, at my request, because I don't like feeling drugged, and really just need a little help.

It's been around 11 years since I was diagnosed. I saw a wonderful therapist on and off for several years. On when I needed it, and off when we agreed that I was managing. Because you can't just throw medications at this thing and let that be it. Your brain chemistry plays a major role in the production, but you also have to work out some issues and learn coping strategies so you can handle things better. I did take medications - also off and on - but never saw a psychiatrist. Brenda, my therapist, just gave me recommendations to take to my doctor.

I'm sure that no one that knows me would be surprised to find that I'm in this spot again. A few more years of dealing with my dad's illness, again fighting with staff over his care, then losing him right when I was starting a new job (which has turned out to be VERY stressful). Dealing with the estate, and other family issues, trying to figure out how to fix up our house so we can sell it and move. There is too much to do and not enough time, money, skill or strength to get it done. I'm not exaggerating when I say my house is a mess. It's really a mess. But since I can't fix it all, I don't do anything. Just sit and look at it all and cry.

Not as deep as previous times, nor as long, because I recognize the symptoms now. If you liken it to first aid, here's how I think it goes: If you're a complete novice with first aid, you might run to the doctor for a shallow cut or bad scrape, but after awhile, you figure out how to cleanse the wound, apply antibiotic cream and bandage it. But some cuts are TOO deep and you'd be an idiot to try and sew them up yourself. So I learned how to take care of the bumps and scrapes and little shallow cuts, but also to recognize what needed more professional attention.

The diagnosis ( behind the cut )

I have been knitting. I don't have the energy or drive to sew, although I really need to sew some totes. I'm behind in my swaps (although not terribly - just a couple). I'm not knitting on anything big or remotely complicated, though. I just have the energy for tiny things like baby booties. I'm honestly forcing myself to knit, because to give up EVERYTHING is not good. I make no apologies for abandoning bigger projects to knit on something tiny that I can finish. Finishing things is very important to me right now.

I found a blog entry called "Fight the Black Dog" early last month, and have been meaning to participate. I had honestly never heard of depression called the Black Dog before this. Call it what you will -- it was nice to find some other crafty people in the same position. If you're interested, click on the picture -- it should take you to all the entries on that topic in the blog.

I can't say for certain yet, but I may postpone my birthday. I'll do the IH drawing on the day, but I'm not sure if I'll do anything else even that week. Sometimes I think that what I really want - later - is a party, and I'd throw it myself, but our house is not in that condition, and too many of my friends have moved away. I'm seriously not asking for anything here. Please don't interpret this as a plea for ANYTHING. I just wanted to open up and say things that I think need to be said, so others who feel the same way will know they're not alone.

---

*Welbutrin, for the curious. First time on this one. I requested it for the lack of a certain side effect.
**I'm not exaggerating. By that time, my entire church had turned their backs on me, including all but one friend. My family never really understood my down times, and they were right there in the situation with me and didn't have much to spare.

So many things to talk about!

1. If you happen by my Flickr account, you may be dazed & confused by the high number of older pics that I've been adding. This is being done to support my Ravelry habit... I feel compelled to add as many photos of projects and stash as I can. Having all those pics has had a nice side benefit: Two of my photos were requested to accompany pattern entries (Princess Leia wig/hat and Amulet Bags). Mostly, it's nice to see so many completed things in one place. Makes me feel all accomplished, even if the vast majority of the projects are rectangular.

I am really enjoying Ravelry -- I highly recommend that any knitter get over there and put themselves on the waiting list (and then be patient). In the meantime, start loading pics of stash, WIPs and FOs* into Flickr. If you're on there, my user name is the same as it is here: crazycatladymel. In addition to being a thrilled beta tester.** I'm a volunteer editor, too. Plus, I got to link my few, simple original designs to my new "designer profile.

Edited to add: Yikes! The waiting list is REALLY long (over 20,000), so you'll need to be REALLY patient. But the sooner you get on the list, the sooner you'll get your invite, even if it takes a while.

You can put in at least part of your book library (the site is still in beta, so it's not 100% functional), a needle inventory, projects you are working on or have finished, or projects you'd like to work on (queue) as well as your stash. I'm behind on the stash, but have entered the majority of my FOs. I'm not entering everything I've ever made, but there is still a lot there.

2. This is where the title comes in. On Saturday, fullfaun and I went to SLRF. I'd promised Heather that I'd help her distribute the vendor applications for next summer's Charlevoix Renaissance Festival, plus fullfaun and I just wanted to get out and "do" faire. A week prior, I'd brought home a huge dream catcher from my Dad's house. One of his cousins made it, I think, for her tribe's shop or a booth at a craft show. I'm not certain of the details, except that he loved that thing. Well, Heather is a shaman, and was so supportive of me during Dad's illness, and afterwards, so I wanted to share it with her. Somehow, I dropped it and didn't notice. I mean, it was 18" across, and I dropped it on my way in. I saw her at the back entry, and realized it was gone, so I got Anita's keys and walked all the way back to the car - I just figured I'd set it back down on the seat, but it was gone. I walked back to the gate and burst into tears. Big old crybaby tears!! It had been my dad's, and now it was gone forever. (Yes, this is a fairly typical reaction for me. I can be all stoic and reasonable when it's someone else's crisis, but when it's mine and it isn't life or death...)

I have such bad luck with things like that, so it didn't occur to me to check lost and found. Well, there it was. Not like someone could comfortably carry it around all day, said the cynic in me. But really, I was just glad that someone had turned it in - whether they were just good, honest people, or didn't want to be saddled down with it. So it's safe now, in its new home.

3. How much do I love knitting baby things?! Not for me, before anyone asks. I have an emergency pair of baby booties on the needle for a coworker who helped me out in an emergency yesterday. I told him I'd send cookies if I baked, but could offer something knitted. TUrns out his wife is expecting a baby girl in October. Another LJ friend had a baby last week, and I have something in mind to knit for that little girl, as soon as I'm done with this second bootie. Specs are with the photo - just click on it to open.


4. Finally... not a great health week for me. On Saturday, I hurt my hip in a big way. It's better now, but starts aching badly by late afternoon. Plus, my sugar has come close to crashing the last 2 days. It's kind of a good sign -- the meds are starting to work and just need to be tweaked -- but it leaves me feeling quite oogy. Like right now. Work pressues being added to this doesn't help. I need a couple of days off!


*WIPs: Works in Progress
FOs: Finished Objects
Stash: Yarn that isn't on the needles (OtN) yet

**Nothing special there. I heard about it and put my name & email on the waiting list. A few hundred people are automatically emailed invites each week, in order of the requests.

It's still not what I wanted, but once it was dry, it wasn't so very bright.* John took this so I could show off my new glasses.

I got them several weeks ago, but they were so strong I couldn't use them for anything except sitting in the back row of the movie theater. I went back last week and got rechecked, and I picked these up last night.

They're anti-glare with a transition tint. I'm starting to get used to them.

*Not that different from the one in my avatar; however that was a non-permanent overlay type of color (it washed out), and not a lightener.

I colored my hair this afternoon. Just a couple of minutes ago, in fact. They grays were starting to show up; although, since I'm a (dark/dishwater) blonde, you have to get close to see them (I knew they were there).I bought a basic Dark Blonde from Revlon. Simple. The color on the side seemed to indicate that it would match mine.

At the moment, my hair is wet, but I suspect that it is now a dark, strawberry blonde. WAY brighter than I was looking for, and much harder to keep up than one similar to my own. le sigh. I wanted to put on some makeup tomorrow and get fullfaun* to take a picture of me with my new glasses. I may still do that; but will be pretty self-conscious about the terrible hair color. Crap.

I'm not actually whining, although it may seem like it. It's just the perfect end to a perfect week, full of amazing work stresses, including my boss ending up in the hospital (don't know why yet, or if he's okay) and the developer that reports to me turning out to have very little actual EXPERIENCE with the type of code we use. And me, in the middle, not hired (or, um, qualified) to be a developer. I feel terrible, physically, so I took advantage of the current policy that allows me to work from home on occasion (which is why I was coloring my hair at 4 PM).

In other ways, the week wasn't terrible. I've been able to talk to Sarah a couple of times. She's settling in with her mom and brand-new stepfather, whom she seems to like. It was nice to hear her happy again. I'm trying to come up with fun things to mail for her, like I did when she was little. It's been awhile since she's been in a place where I A) trusted the mail to get to her at all, and B) trusted that someone else in the house wouldn't steal it. (With her mom and that side of the family it was fine, but whenever she was with her dad or anyone connected, there were always people who would just help themselves to her things.)

She almost missed my letter telling her that her hands were going to be in a book, and called me with her new address just before I mailed a small test package. (Santa Claus Conquers the Martians DVD, plus some fun goodies.) We've discussed her need for new curtains, sweaters for her dog and cat, a heating pack...

John really wants to see the Simpson's movie tonight. I'm not as big a fan,** but am willing to go. However, not tonight. I just want a heating pack and bed.

*We're going to SLRF
**Where is my Futurama movie? He totally converted me to that.

This started out as one brief topic, but turned into something else entirely. Nothing here is pointed at anyone that is in my life now, whether they read this blog or I read theirs. It's just a topic that took on a life of its own. I'll deal with the other topic later.

When I first heard about blogs, it was from a friend explaining that they'd found a mutual acquaintance's public "live journal" online and it was deeply personal, very dramatic, and kind of creepy. While I was pretty active online (forums, BBs, etc.), I'd never heard of such a thing. Why on earth, I wondered, would someone put their diary online? I know, to each his/her own. (Although...I really don't get the hate-filled stream-of-consciousness PUBLIC entries, people ripping on their friends (soon to be former friends, I'd imagine), insisting that it's their space and they can do whatever they want. Well, sure. You can smear crap all over your bedroom walls, too.) Obviously, I came around. But mostly to talk about cats, then faire, then knitting, etc.

I partially subscribe to the "this is my blog, and I'll say/do what I want" theory, but only to a small degree. It's a lot like Stephanie, The Yarn Harlot says: it's as if I threw a party/open house and invited anyone to drop by. Technically, I guess, if it were my home, I could do whatever I wanted to my guests, but decent hosts behave in a certain way. I wouldn't throw rotten fruit at guests in my home, so I don't fill my posts with the written equivalent of rotten fruit: No screaming, profanity-laden tirades against people who might actually read this, no nasty pictures or indelicate stories, etc. If I think something is sensitive and could upset people, I put it behind a cut or filter it for a narrower group of friends. I'm a Libertarian, non-church-going Christian, who likes zombie movies and has a really weird sense of humor. Since I have friends that are devout Christians, Catholics, lay-nuns, pagans, Wiccans, Republicans, Democrats, etc. I try to be considerate. Although, if you don't like the knitting, there's not a lot I can do for you. ;-)

On the flip side, there is something to be said about being a good guest. I used to crave a wider readership (read: popularity), but more and more, I'm becoming quite content with the small circle of you that come and check in. I've read some horror stories from the "popular" bloggers about nasty emails they get from readers, people who don't know how to behave in someone else's home. My favorites are the morons who email the Canadian, English, Australian, etc. bloggers and try to correct their spelling. ("It's color, not colour.") Yikes! I think I can safely say that if most of you lived near by, I'd have you over for coffee. (I have to say "most" because I don't know everyone.) I'm just thrilled to have gotten to know so many cool people via this forum that used to confuse me. So, while popularity eludes me, I know in my gut that this is probably a very good thing!!

I do have issues with people coming into my virtual home, though, and dictating to me. I really wouldn't put up with it my house - I might not ask the person to leave (right away), but they for sure would never be invited back - so I'm not inclined to deal that well with it here. It's only happened a couple of times, and not at all recently. That's the sliver of the "it's my blog, and if you don't like it..." that I agree with. Otherwise, I try to imagine that I'm talking to friends when I write. It's a for-real open house, so anyone can drop by, and I hope they find something of interest.

On really rare occasions, in my real-life home, I've had people display some pretty spectacularly bad behavior. Nothing like some of the stories John has told me about guests he had at his old place,* but still not good. When I was in college, my mother begged me to invite one of her students (my age) to spend the night. Long story, but the short version is that my mom asked me to pretend to be her friend and invite her to spend the night, then fill her in on some girl talk, because she seemed to not know anything at all about hygiene, especially related to her period, and Mom was forbidden to say anything. I, on the other hand, couldn't get into trouble. I knew it my gut that my mom meant well, but that it was a bad idea. That was confirmed when I caught my "guest" reading my diary.

I've never kept a written diary since. Instead, after years without any record, I started putting out a filtered version on the internet for the world to see. Yeah, I don't get it either. Except that it is a filtered version. Even more so by the fact that LJ allows these cool filters, so you can display entries to narrower audiences. (Why my personal journal will probably always be here -- I might start a craft blog elsewhere.)

So, what's the point? I don't know! I couldn't even think of a title. It was a tangent that got started by another thought. Basically, I'm glad I'm here, and I'm glad you're here, and I'm glad we all know how to behave. If this means it's a small circle, so be it, if it keeps out the kooks. :-)

Oh, and if you got to the end... please comment and tell me a story about a guest behaving badly. If there is more than one, I'll have a drawing for a felted bowl. Or, I'll have John pick the winner. We did that with the bad Valentine's Day contest a couple of years ago.

*This is one of those horriffic scenes that only happens to other people (in my case, it's true - I didn't even know John when this happened). John used to have standing movie night every week (something I want to start up in our new house, but without this kind of drama). A bunch of people were invited, and then attended on the nights they were free. As it happens, friends of friends ended up coming too. I don't think the person who pulled this stunt was an actual friend (I could be wrong, but he wasn't one for long if that was the case): This guy came in, and soon after the movie started, disappeared. Where was he? Taking a shower. Later, he exited the bathroom wrapped in a towel and plopped down to continue watching the movie, while informing John that he was having an outbreak** and John might want to use bleach when he washed the towel.

Either this same guy or another one (can't keep 'em straight) used to strip naked in any home, then insist that it was the other people's problem if they were too uptight to deal with his nudity.

**Herpes. John threw the towel away, and the guy was never welcome in his home again. If you think it was because of the herpes, then you missed a crucial lesson at some point about taking uninvited showers in someone else's home when you have a communicable disease.

Sorry about the cryptic post earlier. I'm just in a place where I'm wondering what I'm doing -- if LJ is the place for my kind of blogging. I've been here for almost 4 years, and the focus of the journal has changed dramatically, from faire to knitting and sewing. I'm probably not going anywhere until my Moo MiniCards are gone (of course I just got my second box of 100), but I want to do some thinking on it. So, I'm taking the weekend. But the weekend isn't here yet, and I'm waiting for dinner to be done, so...

I've had some terrible luck catching bits of just awful shows on TV while channel-surfing lately. First was some bizarro reality, follow-a-celeb-around show about the pretty much anorexic Spice Girl who has moved to LA with her (LOL) more famous soccer-player-husband. Three minutes was all I could take. It was a train wreck I had to look away from, after she went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license and her hair stylist and makeup artist descended to fix her hair (debating -- behind the ears?) and touch up her lip gloss. Then she posed. Then hated her picture and asked for a retake. The DMV clerk said, "This is the DMV. We don't do retakes." I laughed, then changed the channel. (Around here, if your pic is TERRIBLE, they will retake it.)

Last night, our cable was acting up in a big way, so I was flipping through all of the channels to see what was working. VH1 now has a show called (paraphrased, maybe -- not looking it up) "(Why) Scott Baio is 45 and Single." I gave this show something like 15 minutes, because I had nothing else to do, and I liked Happy Days (and, I'll admit it, Charles in Charge). That's all it took to answer the question: Scott Baio is 45 and Single because he's an ASS. It was a little harder to turn away, because other people from HD popped up: Henry Winkler on the phone, Erin Moran in person, plus someone from Charles in Charge.

I'll admit to liking a bit of attention. Why else would I submit essays or pictures for consideration for books, or even agree to be quoted in one? And hey, I blog. People that don't like attention aren't usually prolific bloggers. But for the life of me, I can't imagine being so desperate for attention that you'd let cameras follow you around and let them tape your train wreck of a life. In the preview for the next show, they get one of his exes on tape telling him that he was the reason for her first AIDS test (he cheated a LOT). He also has a best friend who lives vicariously through him and looks to be sabotaging - at every turn - SB's efforts to settle down. I think I can safely say that I will have no idea what happens next. This hasn't crushed me, because he belongs to a slightly younger generation; if Shaun Cassidy were doing a similar show, now that would be devastating.

Alrightly. Crafty Fun Friday in the morning, full to the brim. I don't know what made me settle on 11 rows when I made up my blank copy/paste table, but instead of being too many (which I feared), it's not been enough! Part of this week's list is overflow from last week. I rejected a few possibilities this week, but it's still completely full. Hopefully something for everyone!

I'm going to post the CFF entry tomorrow, and then take an LJ break for a few days and evaluate how I feel about continuing with it. I know I won't be able to give up blogging entirely - I'm too much of a chatterbox and show-off - but I might be approaching it from a different angle, format, tool, etc.

Oh, poo. Big-time dizzy spell this afternoon. Luckily, it's my at home day, so I can be online for work, watch Buffy and keep oh, so still. (I wanted to watch Once More with Feeling, but that episode won't play for some reason, so I skipped to season 7.)

The IH Contest is moving along. SIL T (who has asked to not be entered into the contest)  sent two big boxes (24 pounds!) of yarn today. I've seen referal entries in several blogs/LJs. Two folks (contest regulars) have emailed and said that they were just finishing up packages when they got my message. Thanks to everyone who has passed along the word and/or is considering sending a package.

In case anyone missed the change in the main entry, I've settled on the first part of the prize. I'll be making two totes, and the first-place winner will be able to take their pick (plus get other stuff). The second-place winner will get the second tote. 

Something I completely forgot to mention: I seem to have accidentally kicked my caffeine addiction dependency. When I stopped drinking pop a couple of weeks ago, I knew if I didn't keep the caffeine coming in, I'd get terrible headaches (been there, done that). So, I made sure to get at least a glass of unsweetened tea every morning. This must have allowed me to wean myself off of the caffeine, because when last weekend came, and I couldn't get any tea, I was surprised to realize late in the day that I hadn't gotten a headache. I've done the same thing a couple of times since. I've not given up caffeine, but it's nice to know I don't have to find something immediately upon waking or suffer the consequences.

For the record, Lipton's unsweetened (bottled) tea is nasty bitter compared to Gold Peak. I prefer to brew a cup of hot tea and pour it over ice, but if it's not possible, Lipton is my last choice! I have to track down some of my favorite Black Cherry tea. I had a box of the same brand, but Darjeeling. Talk about nasty and bitter! Shudder. That whole box went straight into the trash.

Since Heather joined LJ so she could see my blog, I finally caved and signed up for MySpace so I could reciprocate and comment on hers. I don't expect to be there a lot (can't access from work, etc.), and in no way will it replace this. But if you're on MySpace too, and want to "friend" me, go right ahead. (You don't even have to put me on youre top friends list... and please don't pay attention to mine.)

Also, I'm on ravelry too. Same handle (crazcyatladymel).

Not bad for a 60-second, web-based quiz.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

On my way to work yesterday, the disco version of "Beethoven's Fifth" came on the radio -- precisely as I was passing the middle school I attended back in 1977 er, awhile back. What a blast from the past!! Did anyone else have to take Modern Dance as a section of Phys. Ed.? Or cheerleading?*

On the whole, I think gym class was pretty much a complete waste of time, especially all of those specialized portions that required coordination and skill. Imagine never, ever dancing, and then being graded on how well you could perform a solo DISCO number. And finding out that you pretty much suck at it. I also sucked at track, volleyball, climbing a rope,** and almost everything else except floor hockey and soccer***.

Have I ever mentioned that I have poor eye-hand coordination? I don't know the technical name for it, but a therapist said that it was a mild learning disabiilty (I also can't read maps unless I rotate them so I'm driving towards the top). If it involved catching or hitting something with my hands, I sucked. The only bone I've ever broken was at a batting cage, where I drastically misjudged where the ball was heading and it it hit my hand. I would go to return a volleyball, and the ball would miss my clasped hands by 3 inches.

(This probably also explains the countless trips to the ER as a child! I fell down a lot.)

It was traumatic for me until some time in college. Not only did I barely pass phys. ed. every semester (Why can't you get graded for showing up and trying? Why does it have to be about skill?), people tended to get really bent out of shape because I was so bad -- even when my performance didn't impact their results at all. Like bowling -- not a league or anything, just a youth group night out, and people would be LIVID because I bowled a 50. My therapist coached me prior to the next singles' activity at church: I was to announce that I was there to have fun, and if the fact that I completely sucked would impact anyone elses' fun, I would sit out and watch. I tried it at a combined church volleyball event. A whole group of gals (from the other church, not mine) thought it was a hoot -- "I suck too, let's play together." And we WON. But more importantly, we had a blast. We sucked, but we laughed and laughed, and somehow won the game. Can't beat that.

I drive by the middle school every day on the way to work now, and don't usually bat an eye. But hearing that song at the same time took me back to that horrid gym class.

*That was at my private, Baptist high school, because the cheerleaders needed more practice time and our gym teacher was their coach. In my book, this was even dumber than the disco class at the public school.

**Whenever I watch action movies, where someone has to climb an elevator cable, I wish I'd tried harder at rope climbing.

***I loved soccer. Because it didn't involve my hands! I was pretty good at it too.

Forgot to take a pic last night. Liz Claiborne (sp) @ TJ Maxx. Love it. Also got a red wallet. I really *had* to get both. My old purse smells like syrup*, and my old wallet is really old (it was my mom's) and some of the slots refuse to take contents.

Pic #1: Totally goofy pic, but it's the only one that turned out. Lisa is so good to me. This is how she cut it on Sunday (pic taken Tuesday): so no styling implements are required (just my fingers). She even styles it that way when she's done cutting - no scary expectations to try and live up to.

Of course, this isn't how I wear it...

Pic #2: Right side ALWAYS tucked behind the ear, and left side usually tucked as well. Nervous habit - may as well have my hair work with me instead of against me.

I like this pic because you can see my fabulously shaped eyebrows, also by the affordable and accommodating Lisa. It was my first eyebrow grooming, and I was nervous. But she did an excellent job.

How much did all this fabulousness cost? (Sit down, okay?) $20. I gave her $25 because she took me on a Sunday, in the middle of her family day, as an emergency. She does cuts in her mudroom, eyebrows in the kitchen.

Pic #3: At this angle, I look like my mom, except I have my dad's dimple and my paternal grandmother's nose. My own broken glasses. Color job is out of a box. Fairly close to my natural color - I was just going for volume. My hair is a teensy lighter, and without the red (=dishwater or mousy).

4 (or so) minute makeup job. Lip color comes later (after breakfast). At the moment, my skin feels just divine! I've been using the Lush Bio-fresh masks on & off for the last month, and it's really paying off. Wish I could find something for the puffy/dark eyes, but that's another problem. No change in eyecream or moisturizer: Believe (eyes) and Hope in a Jar (skin) by Philosophy. I dug out the "When Hope is Not Enough" for the "concentration" lines over my nose (which aren't showing now, but trust me - they're deep).

I'm wide awake at 4:30 AM, which I hate. But I figured I'd come down and share this little epiphany I had yesterday. First off, thanks for the nice comments on my new outfit! I was watching "What Not to Wear" over the weekend, and they put a similar outfit together. It may have been tweed with a patterned top, but I knew that I needed pinstripes with a bright patterned top. I really wanted the t-strap shoes the girl wore, but couldn't find anything remotely similar. I bought a pair of kick-ass red heels to go with a future suit (to try on w/ the suits), but they kicked my ass. Just a few tries in the fitting rooms, and my feet were killing me. So they're going back. I settled for a cool purse instead (TJ Maxx, clearance) and the patterned trouser socks with plain shoes.

Anyway, on to the epiphany: All of this chaos over the last few days preparing for that meeting? Totally caused by the fact that I've completely and totally "let myself go." I had to find my make-up. I haven't worn earrings for months, ever since I used a hoop as an emergency stitchmarker. I didn't have anything appropriate to wear, because my wardrobe is just SAD. I didn't own a pair of trouser socks, my purse smelled like syrup*, and my one good pair of shoes**: not so good because I wore them every day. I've been wearing clothes that are either on this side of falling apart, or clothes that don't fit (too big, too long). I don't have one outfit right now that I actually like, apart from the suit.

I have good reason for all of this - simply put: a lot's been going on here. But I have to take care of me, too. I was doing some minimal "pampering" - recently - just to keep myself sane, but it doesn't necessarily make one prepared for events like this, not to mention the fact that I go to work every day doing the bare minimum. I'm no fashion fanatic, but I'm a bit ashamed. Every woman should have one or two great outfits for emergencies. I'm not even sure I have a nice dress right now that I could pull out for a wedding or funeral. I know I don't have any nude pantyhose anywhere, although I do have 1 pair of black tights somewhere. I buy black ankle socks by the metric ton, and lose them almost as quickly. Most days, I grab any two black socks, just to get out the door. I get dressed out of the laundry room regularly. That's because my dresser is filled with yarn and I hate toting laundry up two flights of stairs.

At the moment, I'm in a good place and would like to keep that momentum going. I don't have the money to run out and buy a new wardrobe, but I can manage to insert a new piece every week or so, and am not above checking out thrift stores.*** One thing I don't need right now: shoes. The Avenue by my house had several pairs of Cloudwalkers in my size on sale.

I don't know what happened. I used to like shoes. I used to own more than one pair at a time. I think it's the same with my wardrobe. Besides the time factor (just not having enough of it) and the money factor (same), I'm also tough to fit. It's discouraging. For clothes, part of it is weight, and part of it is shape (hourglass, but short and with a belly). For shoes, well, I have a wider foot and have always had to buy a size or at least a half size bigger to accommodate. Plus, I'm picky. Klutzes with bad ankles do not wear heels. In Cloudwalkers, I wear an 8W, and they are SO comfy. So I'll be stylin' with shoes that fit, are clean and whole, and quite comfortable.

When I went back to Nordtrom's to pick up my suit, I spotted a coat I wanted. $148. Probably too much. But I haven't had a nice coat, oh, ever, and a new one not for many many years. This coat would actually make me look like a grown-up. I'm going to start saving immediately.

Underwear is a whole other topic. Let's not go there.

If I continue on, I'm thinking that chronicling it here might help motivate me. If I create a filter, let me know if you want to be on it. If I don't create a filter, I'll probably use the LJ cut feature to spare the folks that don't care about what I'm wearing.

Thanks for sticking with this long post! Hugs to you all!!!

*Because I spilled syrup in it. Don't ask.
**That J-dub bought for me.
***Value World, at least. They actually sort out the plus sizes. Salvation Army is too depressing: you have to dig & dig, and I never find anything.

I don't feel good! Waaah! Whine! Considering all that's been going on lately, I shouldn't be complaining about a tummy ache, but there you have it. I just want to go to bed, put on eye mask, insert ear plugs, and take a nap. Which is exactly what I'm going to do as soon as I possibly can. Just counting the minutes (about 75) until I can hit the road.

I do have to give thumbs up to this tea* that J-dub dropped off last night, which she bought for me on her trip to Atlanta this weekend. I guess if it's supposed to help colicy babies, it can help with my tummy, right? Actually, it did. I'm still yearning for that nap, but not feeling the urge to go to the car RIGHT NOW. She also gave me her linen spray from the hotel**, which I may just put to use in a couple of hours, and some ribbon.

*Rooibos & Honeybush, from South Africa.
**J: I need to know which chain this was, that gave you all eye masks and ear plugs and linen spray. All I ever get is shampoo that I won't use.